# orderedItems[].object.content
Instead of backing your vehicle into a parking space while other people are waiting for you, go ahead and back your vehicle into the Grand Canyon. Enjoy the view!

# orderedItems[].object.contentMap.en
Instead of backing your vehicle into a parking space while other people are waiting for you, go ahead and back your vehicle into the Grand Canyon. Enjoy the view!

# orderedItems[].object.content
You love your country? Gross.

# orderedItems[].object.contentMap.en
You love your country? Gross.

# orderedItems[].object.content
As I, a man of only five feet seven inches, sat down in the tiny seat in the airplane, I shouted triumphantly, “Now is the time for the short people!”

# orderedItems[].object.contentMap.en
As I, a man of only five feet seven inches, sat down in the tiny seat in the airplane, I shouted triumphantly, “Now is the time for the short people!”

# orderedItems[].object.content
Before Facebook, I would think ridiculous things like, “I should reach out to my family more often.” I’m so glad I am over that.

# orderedItems[].object.contentMap.en
Before Facebook, I would think ridiculous things like, “I should reach out to my family more often.” I’m so glad I am over that.

# orderedItems[].object.content
Modern dating is probably really efficient because you can just bring a laptop to a first date and show the other person a PowerPoint presentation of your life.

# orderedItems[].object.contentMap.en
Modern dating is probably really efficient because you can just bring a laptop to a first date and show the other person a PowerPoint presentation of your life.

# orderedItems[].object.content
I don’t understand the appeal of high heels. Is walking slowly and almost falling over supposed to be sexy?

# orderedItems[].object.contentMap.en
I don’t understand the appeal of high heels. Is walking slowly and almost falling over supposed to be sexy?

# orderedItems[].object.content
One of the best features of my house is that the kitchen is big enough to give my burps some serious echo.

# orderedItems[].object.contentMap.en
One of the best features of my house is that the kitchen is big enough to give my burps some serious echo.

# orderedItems[].object.content
I dunno, man. Sometimes I just type things.

# orderedItems[].object.contentMap.en
I dunno, man. Sometimes I just type things.

# orderedItems[].object.content
Perhaps once the most money-grubbing, materialistic generation of our time is no longer in power, then things will get better?

# orderedItems[].object.contentMap.en
Perhaps once the most money-grubbing, materialistic generation of our time is no longer in power, then things will get better?

# orderedItems[].object.content
The big pickup trucks especially do not need them, considering they are 100 feet tall.

# orderedItems[].object.contentMap.en
The big pickup trucks especially do not need them, considering they are 100 feet tall.

# orderedItems[].object.content
Seriously, can we please ban LED lights on cars? Especially on large trucks. I was nearly blinded by a big truck with LED lights on the way to work. While we’re at it, let’s also ban large trucks. I don’t appreciate being blinded just because some dipshit needs a monster truck to feel manly or whatever useless reasons why people own those fucking things.

# orderedItems[].object.contentMap.en
Seriously, can we please ban LED lights on cars? Especially on large trucks. I was nearly blinded by a big truck with LED lights on the way to work. While we’re at it, let’s also ban large trucks. I don’t appreciate being blinded just because some dipshit needs a monster truck to feel manly or whatever useless reasons why people own those fucking things.

# orderedItems[].object.content
My desk at work has been squeaking a little bit when I gently lean on it. Why must I be damned to live such a hellish existence?

# orderedItems[].object.contentMap.en
My desk at work has been squeaking a little bit when I gently lean on it. Why must I be damned to live such a hellish existence?

# orderedItems[].object.content
I live in Nevada, so watching California slowly slide into the sea has been exhilarating. Pretty soon my Las Vegas house will be beachfront property. Lex Luthor was right!

# orderedItems[].object.contentMap.en
I live in Nevada, so watching California slowly slide into the sea has been exhilarating. Pretty soon my Las Vegas house will be beachfront property. Lex Luthor was right!

# orderedItems[].object.content
I used to think I was not a morning person, until I found a job that I actually like with coworkers who are actually cool, and mornings seem better now.

# orderedItems[].object.contentMap.en
I used to think I was not a morning person, until I found a job that I actually like with coworkers who are actually cool, and mornings seem better now.

# orderedItems[].object.content
I left the DC area in 2004, and I do miss it sometimes. But then I remember how much of a hellish clogged artery that area’s traffic is and I realize I only miss the people and the trees.

# orderedItems[].object.contentMap.en
I left the DC area in 2004, and I do miss it sometimes. But then I remember how much of a hellish clogged artery that area’s traffic is and I realize I only miss the people and the trees.

# orderedItems[].object.content
This year, I’ll be buying Valentine’s Day candy for my computer. I love you, home computer, with your dependable Ryzen 5 5600X processor and your sexy Radeon 6700 XT graphics card.

# orderedItems[].object.contentMap.en
This year, I’ll be buying Valentine’s Day candy for my computer. I love you, home computer, with your dependable Ryzen 5 5600X processor and your sexy Radeon 6700 XT graphics card.

# orderedItems[].object.content
The first thing I learned when I got to college was the concept of ball busting. I didn’t know what it was. I just thought my new college buddies were being mean!

# orderedItems[].object.contentMap.en
The first thing I learned when I got to college was the concept of ball busting. I didn’t know what it was. I just thought my new college buddies were being mean!

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I will burp in your coffee if you want.

# orderedItems[].object.contentMap.en
I will burp in your coffee if you want.

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If your sex life is falling way below your expectations, you have a fucking problem.

# orderedItems[].object.contentMap.en
If your sex life is falling way below your expectations, you have a fucking problem.

# orderedItems[].object.content
I was on the Las Vegas strip today, and one of the showgirls on the sidewalk said, “Come get a picture with me, sweetie. Don’t be shy.” How did she know I was shy? Who told her??

# orderedItems[].object.contentMap.en
I was on the Las Vegas strip today, and one of the showgirls on the sidewalk said, “Come get a picture with me, sweetie. Don’t be shy.” How did she know I was shy? Who told her??